I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
