I must be too annoying 4 u.
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
