Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
