I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Someone signed my nipple.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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