swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Randomize
