mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
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Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Every concussion has its silver lining
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I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.