im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
Randomize
