I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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