Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize