I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
