none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
