I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
