so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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