I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
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