My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
