Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
