So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Randomize
