i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
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My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
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I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
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