i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
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