I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I need a beard to bite.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Randomize
