The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
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