i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
