you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
