3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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