when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
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