Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
