oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
