Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
