eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
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