You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
