Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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