GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Randomize
