I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
i think my cat just said my name.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
