i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
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