There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Randomize
