all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Randomize
