I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
he laminated a picture of his dick.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I licked your asshole in confidence.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
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