I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Randomize
