I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
