Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
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