Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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