i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
