I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
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