I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
