She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
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I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
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When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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