my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
its not stalking. its research.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Randomize
