This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
this just has baby written all over it
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
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