In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
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