You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Randomize
