Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
