i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
