Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Randomize
