I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
