True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
