i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Randomize
