I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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