listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
