just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
