fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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