So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
