dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Randomize
