i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
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His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
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You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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