I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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